Drinking the Full Cup of Life

"So I was reminded that the heart's job is not to play seesaw with life and death.  The heart's job is to stay open to both territories at once. 

It is the soul's natural want to keep both horizons in view- the horizon of life always becoming and the horizon of death always undoing.

I now have a felt understanding of the Roman deity Janus, the two-faced God who is always looking - at the same time - to the past and the future.  Janus the God of beginnings ad transitions, the seer of gates, doorways, ending, and time.  Regardless of the culture or the era we're born in, we always live into this knowing that we must keep both the beginning and the end in view at once.  In real terms, in a single life, it means not forgetting that my father is struggling to breathe as he lies on his side and not muffling the awe in this young girl before me as she hears violin music for the first time. "  

                                                      -from The Endless Practice  by Mark Nepo

Mark Nepo surges to the epitome of spiritual vision as he recalls the Roman God Janus and asks if we too can be all-faced.  Can we regard joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, and beginning and ending with an equal eye?  Can we savor the delicious yellow peach even as our body suffers illness?  Can we delight in the perseverance of the little boy who meticulously puts on each sock even as evening breaking news of the killing of young children in a Florida School sounds from the television screen?

What kind of consciousness is attuned to the rhythm of life and death in the fabric of creation?  Ego consciousness is characterized by choice.  We fragment life by choosing what is pleasant or secure or beneficial for our own maintenance and avoiding what is threatening or hostile to our well-being.  As Nepo says, we seesaw between life and death.  Our conversation with ourselves typically revolves around the refrain: "I want this.  I don't want that."  Yet the more we press for security, the more we are conscious of our fear of insecurity, and so the escape from fear is fear. Nepo call this vicious circle a seesaw; Buddhists call it the wheel of birth and death or monkey mind.  How can we be free?

Understanding that every hard choice produces the opposite of its intention grants us a felt understanding.  I think this is what Jesus was about when he said that he came to fulfill  the law.  Use the law, see that its effort to wrench life into a particular form diminishes the spirit.  Be obedient to all your efforts to do good works, and ask yourself if your compulsive trying has given you inner joy and lightness of being.  The understanding of the gulf is the breakthrough- the moment that choiceless awareness comes to you like a gift, blowing on your life like a gentle breeze.

When I was minister of the Westmoreland United Church in New Hampshire, I thrilled each fall to the vibrant colors.  We surely have a fall season in Montana, but the prodigious amount of hardwoods in New England produce a full palate.  And yet the vibrant color of the leaves is the death cry.  They are most vibrant at the moment of their falling and transition.  To be conscious of the leaves is to move beyond the perspective of my little life.  To see the leaves and appreciate the rhythm of their life and death is to enter creation.  Matthew Fox says that the cosmos is in us and we are in the cosmos.  To behold the leaf, to let its doing correspond to my own quality, is to overcome any distinction between inner and outer and come upon a cosmological consciousness.  Then, I and creation are in harmony.  We are doing one thing.  It seems to me that the more we ca dance with nature's passion- its all-faced view of beginning and ending- the more we can rest in that awareness that drinks the full cup of life -  the frothy brew and the dregs at the bottom.

-Reverend Glover Wagner